may be it was just time, or maybe it was reading my diseased moms prayer journal.
her journal was in the time period of going from a handicaped independent living in her own home to just before she had to live in assisted living quarters.
she started a group at her church called the hadicapables. a group of ladies who shared the struggles and laughs of being handicapped. she was very active in writing missionaries also. but what struck me was her acknowledgment of her own faults in not being outward with the gospel as much as she could, like saying a timely word to someone, or not praying quick enough.
she prayed for her neighbor a lot, who i think was flirting with her,non the less she cried out in prayer for his soul. she prayed for unknown people she saw places. she always acknowledged her trust in Jesus work for her own soul and gave god continual glory for waking up each morning.
her life was jolted in 1951 when having just graduated from college she was in a car accident that left a life long paralysis and limp walk, she recounted how she realized she would be on the fringe of the popular people groups for the rest of life, and her loneliness. this was contrasted with a determination to make something of her self to trust God yet be independent. and she came in later years to realize Jesus was the answer ultimately to loneliness.
so for me having been trapped in a cycle of my own mind lust it was a purging effect. the cycles of sin are quite gripping and debilitating. only by the power of the Holy Spirit can there be a conquering or a switch.
i got my jolt through grief and a recounting to a crowd of my mothers life in her memorial service. a confluence of old pictures, recalling her life from a view i never inspected before, and a response to condolences and family reactions, with the actual event of watching her last breath. knowing at that very moment she saw Jesus.