transparent me, please except me

“I learned the truth at seventeen, That love was meant for beauty queens.” Janis Ian Wrote this in the 70’s. plight of the unlovely vs the popular lovelies of the moment.

“So doctor, doctor, won’t you please prescribe me something? A day in the life of someone else ’cause I’m a hazard to myself” Pink wrote these lyrics. She couldnt take the person looking back at her from the mirror.

Boys join gangs because they need to be accepted by someone.

What goes on in childhood sticks like skin. I still wonder who will sit next to me or what will I do if every one leaves me alone, at a table. I never was part of the popular crowed. even now at trade shows I am only part of a group because of my position and company I work for. Yet we talk about relationships being important in our industry.

When I was unemployed and walking the trade show floor hoping to be noticed, I wasn’t. I wasn’t asked to lunch. I left hurt and frustrated. But they was Stanton Gill in the parking lot a greeting was exchanged, He gave me a name of Joann Luts who was scouting greenhouses in Maryland. I was excepted by her for some work.

Now at trade shows I generally long for a christian friend. My first years at shows I was left on my own not invited by my boss to tag along. I wondered a lot outside just passing groups of happy people. Now I get included more, but there are still awkwardnesses. I am always included in the fringe groups that meet, but I supose its political.

Even at work when there is a meeting or lunch or at church, I feel the inner struggle of where to sit in relation to others. Who wants to include me in their circle? I can not compete with the popular people, their whole personality is charismatic and self-contained. I am fragile inwardly not-self secure. And I know it would seem childish to some for me to admit this at my age. But there is history how this came about.

Growing up alone with a single mom and no dad. Never was challenged for social graces nor did I ever like the person in the mirror looking back at me. I also think these reaction I have are part of my personality make up. Yes I fear people more than God at times. I just want to be loved and excepted. Who doesnt?

Always on the look out for the fringe people, even if it’s a joint circle, it’s an excepting group. The gangs have an attraction to the fatherless awkward person. There is structure and working through jobs to gain acceptence.I can feel safer with a person from the mission more than a person from a church at times. We have lost all our social false face and are inwardly at a low together.

The telephone pole at 60 miles an hour looks attractive at times. Depression comes in waves. “loneliness like a cancer grows”. Yet there is a freind heavenly, so I’m told. I don’t know how to let the knowledge and the relationship invade my feelings to be secure.

I would be hurt even more with out a wifes shoulder. The smoothing of lifes stuff.

500 words guess ill stop ranting, who cares anyway

 

 

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Perennial plant propogator for Creekhill nursery. Over 40 years of experience with lots of plants from foliage, cut flowers, seasonal potted plants, annuals and perennials. A plant geek and nerd, i am

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Posted in marriage maintenance, random thoughts, religion
3 comments on “transparent me, please except me
  1. Diego says:

    We read them every time you post from here. I was a little different then you, I was in the in crowd. Played sports. I wanted your alone time. But what I had learned is, it’s not what people think, but what God thinks. So I didn’t learn the truth at 17. But, Pink is right, we are hazard to our self. I did learn the truth till I started reading the bible. And to this day I’m still learning. A sinner saved by grace. You keep posting. I’ll keep reading.

  2. Peggy Griffin says:

    There is sooooo much that goes into making us the individual we become. Some things are good, some bad, some ugly, some totally ridiculous, some painful, some sweet. I don’t know all that went into making you the sensitive dude you are, but I am blessed by the person you have become. And we are BOTH still on the journey of becoming ‘transformed into his image’. I too have been at that place where the telephone pole looks inviting, even enticing. So glad we both resisted. We each would have missed untold blessings. Glad for your wifey, too….you have been abundantly blessed…and me too in other ways having her as a part of my life. Be encouraged. Keep pressing on. Keep writing. It makes me think.
    Love ya’ Bro!

  3. C. Stanley Morton says:

    You teach us what it means to be transparent. I was not an in-crowd person either. I was that last kid picked for the team in gym. But i am only kidding myself to say “I know how u feel”. But know that your sensitivity makes it possible for you to feel a person’s pain and comfort them deeply. It is a gift and a burden. Thank you for comforting me. Just seeing you smile warms my world.

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